Okay, so we’ve decided that dating sites are “…Russian roulette…” according to Dennis Haynes, and I’ve added that some people on there are going to lie about their marital status even if that includes “not telling ain’t lyin'” situations.
So I’ve decided that the best way to date is to date people you know really well — like classmates, kids from the block — that kind of thing. Most of the time (though there are no guarantees) they will be the same gender they were when you knew them back then because, back then, we all know things made more sense (we’re old enough now to be able to say that). I mean, look: celebrities wore real clothes on the red carpet and sex tapes were bought at Ace hardware — not part of a PR campaign. It made sense.
I cannot guarantee anything other than I was born a female and I have no man-made or otherwise altered or augmented parts. I dunno about anyone else, but I digress, as usual. So here’s what you can expect from a first date with me: “So, I know you don’t like me and let’s be honest here — I don’t like you either. But I’m pretty sure I know how screwed up you are and pretty much the extent of how screwed up your life is. As such, I will tell you ALL about my childhood trauma and other excuses for the reason why I’m so screwed up and I’m on a date with you. Deal? I don’t pay for dates — you do.”